Every Saturday a wonderful yogi sends me a link to a Tuesday evening meditation by Zoom. I get very excited and have my timer set for 7:15 on Tuesdays. As the timer rings, I feel the need to prepare. Cushion and blanket set up in my living room with computer on the coffee table. Trouble is … I haven’t participated in months. 

It’s hard not to tell myself that I suck. In spite all that I teach, my negative self-talk can be disturbing. They say you teach what you need. Hello and yes to that! Be kind to yourself, Lydia, be kind.

The meditation group, called “Gravity” is lovely … inspired by Michael Stone, a great teacher and flawed human, as are all of us. Some knew Michael; some didn’t but we all know his story. He died very young. He had severe bi-polar disease and his prescribed meds weren’t working. He left his body in the summer of 2017 at 42, in an alley in Victoria, BC, having self-medicated on the street. Drugs laced with Fentanyl did him in. Michael kept his mental illness a secret from all but a few closest of family and friends. What came out of Michael’s passing, for me, was the knowing that our teachers suffer just as we all do, maybe even more. They work to help us navigate our inner lives but their’s might well be in turmoil and in need of attention. 

I remember being at Michael’s last New Year’s Retreat at the Zen Centre in Batavia, New York. The retreat was hard-core with 30 minute sits alternating with fast walking then assigned work detail. Not for the faint of heart as they say. During one of Michael’s daily dharma talks he said very clearly and succinctly that meditation is not for everyone. I struggled with this message as meditation had been touted for years as the antidote to a stressful life, helpful in the area of physical and emotional well-being and of benefit to all who practice. Michael was, in fact, saying that he was not able to meditate. His state of mind, his illness, did not allow it. He spent very little time in the mediation hall and had his beloved helpers do most of the instruction. 

It turns out that meditation can bring up anxiety and trauma that you and your teachers may not be equipped to deal with. Thank you Michael for this very sound advice. I know that if I can’t bring myself to the cushion, I am not a failure. I simply suck at meditation at this time and I am ok with that.

Know this, Dear Yogis. The physical practice of yoga can be enough. Walking in nature can be enough. Being with family and friends can be enough. Eating hearty food can be enough. You need not be a practitioner of meditation. At least not of the 30 minute sit and heavy duty walking variety. 

Enjoy the sun, nature, music, good food, intimacy and laughter. Play a round or two of golf, take a card-making class at the Rec Centre. How about a long leisurely nap in the afternoon? Do not let anyone tell you what you must do for your physical, emotional or spiritual wellbeing. Yes, follow your doctor’s advice or get a second opinion, take your meds. They might very well be keeping you alive. Do all the things but be your own inner teacher. Be your own guru. Be a discerning yogi. Notice the moments when you find that nothing else is needed. Notice the moments when you are at peace. That is what I call a meditation practice.

And to my friends at “Gravity”, please know that I will be back. When I am ready. When I eagerly land on my cushion in my living room floor and sit with enthusiasm. 

In the meantime, may I share the evening chant that “Gravity” uses on Tuesday evenings to close each weekly session? It is called “The Zen Night Chant”. It warms my heart and mind and reminds me of Michael, the community he built and his teachings. It reminds me that we are all following our own path of awakening. It just looks different for each of us. And … it need not involve formal meditation. 

Then a Metta Prayer (a prayer of loving-kindness):